Discussion:
ChildFree Abby - Prince Charming? not even close.
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ChildFree Abby
2004-10-21 15:49:57 UTC
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October 19, 2004

BY ELLIE TESHER

DEAR ELLIE: I have a great relationship with my boyfriend of four years.
He treats me well; we trust and respect each other. We'll probably marry
after college. The problem is, he's not the "ideal type" I envisioned.

I want a career I'm passionate about; he wants a job he can tolerate. He
has few interests; I can't find enough time for all of mine. He drinks
more often than I'd like, although this hasn't become a problem yet.
He's less social than I am, and he's not sure he ever wants children. I
definitely do. Yet, I'm still crazy about him. I can't imagine my life
without him.

I know I shouldn't wait for a Prince Charming. I should be prepared to
love a real person, flaws and all. But how do I know if these are
obstacles we need to work through together, or if they're signs that
this won't work out and I should move on?

Should I even be worrying about this yet, as we probably won't even get
engaged for another two years?

CONFUSED

DEAR CONFUSED: You're describing a potential Problem Guy, who's light
years away from becoming Prince Charming.

Yes, we can all love imperfect people, but it's very hard to be life
partners with someone who's so polarized from you in so many ways. It's
good news that you're worrying now.

It's time to talk. The baby issue is important; you need to learn how
closed he is on the subject. College drinking isn't unusual but needs to
be discussed, too, if you even suspect it could become a problem.

Try to assess whether he's still finding his way or is truly a slacker
without ambition. Then, imagine your future life with him, without his
making any changes.

Dear Confused,

It seems to me that while you seem to think you have a great
relationship, and I admit that trust and respect are very important keys
to any relationship, you are two very different people pursuing very
different goals, or in his case, no real goals at all.

It may be that as my esteemed counterpart days, "still finding his way",
or he may be a slacker, or here's a thought, he may be suffering from
some form of depression. Whatever the situation, he is the one, not
you, who must decide what to do.

You want to taste what life has to offer, and he just wants to "get
by". Sooner or later, this will clash, and clash horribly. If you
marry this man, sooner or later you will come to view him and his lack
of enthusiasm as "dead weight" and be bored to tears with him and this
relationship. You will at that time, kick yourself for not choosing
someone whose goals and dreams are at least a little closer than what
this guy happens to be. While there may be no such thing as a true
"Prince Charming" there certainly is a "Mr Closer than what this guy
happens to be".

Now, as it comes to children, there is nothing wrong with not wanting
them. But here is something that you should consider yourself: You
say you "want a career that you feel passionate about", this is a most
laudable goal. However, you also say that you want children. Depending
on what you deem to be "a career you feel passionate about" you may find
these goals to be mutually exclusive. As Judy Chicago so aptly put it
"I believe that one of the pernicious lies that has been told to your
generation is that one can 'have it all." There are only so many hours
in a day, and so many days in a week. It is very probable that in
career and parenting, you may excel at one, at the expense of the other,
or settle for being mediocre at both. You, too, may have to make a choice.


ChildFree Abby
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The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/
No kids 4 you
2004-10-21 17:44:49 UTC
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I hope you plan to write for the CF magazine.
ChildFree Abby
2004-10-23 18:55:27 UTC
Permalink
Post by No kids 4 you
I hope you plan to write for the CF magazine.
Yanno... I think I will give them a pitch to see if they would like an
advice columnist. I have a university degree (suitable for framing or
wrapping fish), and have been a lay counsellor. I think that makes me
at least as qualified as the former lounge singer that writes for the
Chicago Tribune who has a rather distressing tendency to base her advice
on the latest "chick flick".

Abby - thoughtfully
--
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/
Erosion
2004-10-24 00:17:18 UTC
Permalink
On Sat, 23 Oct 2004 15:55:27 -0300, ChildFree Abby
I have been a lay counsellor.
Dear CF Abby,

I've having trouble getting laid....

(What? That's not what you meant?)
ChildFree Abby
2004-10-24 15:11:49 UTC
Permalink
Post by Erosion
On Sat, 23 Oct 2004 15:55:27 -0300, ChildFree Abby
I have been a lay counsellor.
Dear CF Abby,
I've having trouble getting laid....
(What? That's not what you meant?)
... splort..... hot assam out the nose... not good... not good at all


Abby
--
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/
stePH
2004-10-25 19:02:43 UTC
Permalink
Post by Erosion
On Sat, 23 Oct 2004 15:55:27 -0300, ChildFree Abby
I have been a lay counsellor.
Dear CF Abby,
I've having trouble getting laid....
(What? That's not what you meant?)
That reminds me of those therapeutic "sex surrogates" I've heard about,
but I doubt that's what she meant ;)


stePH
--
"A lion will exert himself to the utmost, even when entering the tiger's
den to throw baby rabbits off a cliff!" -- Moroboshi Ataru
Mr Ian Davis
2004-10-22 01:09:58 UTC
Permalink
Post by ChildFree Abby
October 19, 2004
BY ELLIE TESHER
DEAR ELLIE: I have a great relationship with my boyfriend of four years.
He treats me well; we trust and respect each other. We'll probably marry
after college. The problem is, he's not the "ideal type" I envisioned.
I want a career I'm passionate about; he wants a job he can tolerate. He
has few interests; I can't find enough time for all of mine. He drinks
more often than I'd like, although this hasn't become a problem yet.
He's less social than I am, and he's not sure he ever wants children. I
definitely do. Yet, I'm still crazy about him. I can't imagine my life
without him.
I know I shouldn't wait for a Prince Charming. I should be prepared to
love a real person, flaws and all. But how do I know if these are
obstacles we need to work through together, or if they're signs that
this won't work out and I should move on?
Should I even be worrying about this yet, as we probably won't even get
engaged for another two years?
As Judy Chicago so aptly put it
Post by ChildFree Abby
"I believe that one of the pernicious lies that has been told to your
generation is that one can 'have it all." There are only so many hours
in a day, and so many days in a week. It is very probable that in
career and parenting, you may excel at one, at the expense of the other,
or settle for being mediocre at both. You, too, may have to make a choice.
ChildFree Abby
Very well put, I thought. These words should be inscribed on marble and
given to every young woman.

Janet
Post by ChildFree Abby
--
The ChildFree Abby Archives - http://www.dismal-light.net/childfreeabby/
p***@hotmail.com
2004-10-25 15:15:45 UTC
Permalink
ChildFree Abby <***@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:<***@uni-berlin.de>...
[snip]
Post by ChildFree Abby
As Judy Chicago so aptly put it
"I believe that one of the pernicious lies that has been told to your
generation is that one can 'have it all." There are only so many hours
in a day, and so many days in a week. It is very probable that in
career and parenting, you may excel at one, at the expense of the other,
or settle for being mediocre at both. You, too, may have to make a choice.
Yet another one out of the park with extra pepper on it from
ChildFree Abby.

I know a couple. Up till about 4 years ago, they were the dynamic
duo. He was a partner in his company before he was 30. She was
getting a raise and a promotion on average about twice a year.
They were making great investments in the stock market. They owned
a condo with no mortgage, and were considering buying another
for investment purposes. Cripes, they were pricing artwork by
various famous people, just to have something nice to hang in
their home.

Then they had two kids.

For a while, she staid at work. But the placenta was dragging her.
She eventually quit to be a full time stay-at-home mome. Dreck!
She's probably gaining a pound a month. She's got wrinkles round
her eyes that make her look ten years older. She's getting a hunch.

And they have not been to a movie in a theatre since the kids were
born. They have hardly had a night out together, except when the
grand parents can be cajoled into looking after the sproggen.

And this was a couple that started out with very similar ideas.
They wanted it all, home, kids, professional jobs, money, good
life, etc. But mom decided she only wanted the kids. And dad
now has this hollow-eyed "I'm enjoying it, really!" look on his
face all the time. Sigh.
Socks
Tara D
2004-10-28 00:34:54 UTC
Permalink
Post by p***@hotmail.com
For a while, she staid at work.
OMG, that is so perfect on a double entendre level. I think I've
worked with her, several time throughout my career. :-)

Tara

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